Jokes:

Here is the place to talk about anything, this also includes any 'non-Rooster' footy talk.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:38 pm

Garage Door



The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'



He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,

'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'



She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires...
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:52 pm

42472020_1494153734020124_686080730152828928_n.jpg
42472020_1494153734020124_686080730152828928_n.jpg (27.94 KiB) Viewed 3743 times
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:29 pm

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"

Bob replied: " Wrong room ."
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Fri Oct 05, 2018 5:58 pm

A PENSIONERS HOLIDAY
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing all the glamorous destinations around the world.
The Agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his Secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me."

"Oh, what was that?" asked the travel agent.

"Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Sun Oct 14, 2018 8:48 am

jke.jpg
jke.jpg (36.77 KiB) Viewed 3710 times
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:50 am

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99 and deer nuts are just under a buck
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Sat Nov 10, 2018 12:08 pm

SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
Ian
Posts: 5943
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:06 pm
Location: The Taj

Re: Jokes:

Post by Ian » Wed Feb 20, 2019 5:52 pm

TWO Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow mate, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So, they picked up the heavy gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in.

As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, right up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 160 KPH and jumped head first into this hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box.

User avatar
Ian
Posts: 5943
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:06 pm
Location: The Taj

Re: Jokes:

Post by Ian » Wed Jun 17, 2020 9:39 pm

OLD FOLKS HOME new rules

On her first day at the senior complex the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

Image

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older lady named Betty stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Thu Mar 18, 2021 4:34 pm

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Tue Jun 15, 2021 5:25 pm

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Happy hour is upon us
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Sun Sep 19, 2021 3:21 pm

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?" : She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?"Once again his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed," and the little boy started to laugh again. The grandmother asked, "What's wrong? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

User avatar
locky
Posts: 11039
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:47 pm
Location: Lockies Crownie Bar and Lounge

Re: Jokes:

Post by locky » Sat Sep 25, 2021 4:59 pm

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. ... But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Work hard, dream big, make it count.

Post Reply